Piscean Age

Dealing with the Waves and Such

2010-07-27T22:42:00.002-05:00

Waves of craziness that I've recently found out most people deal with. It may be and manifest and encourages crazy results, but I feel like I'm floating along with everyone here on earth. It makes me feel less unique and more and more 'normal' but there is a opportunity in it all to just let things go. To whine less and be there with everyone else being our best.
Yes I have waves of depression and loneliness and want to hang on to my old self but it passes and I do something more rewarding to my self and the responsibilities of myself.
That mean just being happy.
Simple. It's a choice, it's not about submitting to anyone and their expectations which i thought it was when i younger. But to myself reaching in and not eating the bad shit I'm given or make for myself.

2010-07-09T12:14:00.000-05:00

I have this habit of being happy....making plans and loving life.

Mighty Morphin Power Hater

2010-04-20T07:42:00.009-05:00

Yep it's there somewhere in the thick of all the feelings. This stupid person inside me who refuses to be happy because to do the work to get there would be hard. To have the patience it takes get to that place..... fuck do I get cranky and start hating.
Specifically in the case of Gambit. I guy I met a year ago but I feel is finally at the end of the line of unhealthy longing. I'll get to that later though.
But shit I want everyone to be happy before myself sometimes and that is killing me. It switches where I have to take breaks in the day to explain to myself that crying over something that has nothing to do with me anymore is not so hurtful to myself. But then later I try to cry as much as I can to rid myself of it. I have yet to.

This vaguely reminds me of when I was young and my father would tell me when I was crying and upset that there was a monster in my mouth. A monster that would get out if I did not stop crying and shout my mouth. Shit confused the mess out of me. Why the hell would I want something foreign in my body that was so horrible?
So I'd look at him confused like 'what the hell' and would stop crying. Dad was smart in that way but I seriously thought something was wrong with me, and when I wasn't crying we'd all pretend it wasn't there. That imaginary demon was part of me then as silly as it sounds and I got over the awkwardness of it's existence and now can tell little anecdotal stories about it :). The same must be said for this fucker that won't let me be happy. It's damn choice. Move on and live it where it lays. Imaginary or not we give these things the power.

Quote of the Week

2010-04-11T16:10:00.001-05:00

It's an amazing time to be a black woman. You have Tyler Perry and Steve Harvey to give you relationship advice, Chris Rock to offer commentary on your hair, and Bishop TD Jakes to resolve your salvation. And Nightline to make it all make sense for you. Goddess bless America.

-Abiola Abhrams

Song of the week

2010-04-11T07:40:00.003-05:00

So this is the music that is in my head as I walk. With purpose, with swag, with my frigging diamond in the back.

So Ratatat.
lol

Quote of the Week

2010-04-02T02:24:00.001-05:00

Live your life on purpose.

-someone very wise

"They told me to stop Blacks"

2010-03-29T13:47:00.007-05:00

This is not news....but an epidemic that I'm not surprised that happens because there is seems to be an attitude that assuming things about people particularly when it come to race.

http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2010/mar/25/ex-police-chief-mo-city-told-me-to-stop-blacks/

I go to the Ladue area to ride my bike in a local park. I say I'd get a mix of interactions with people when I ride up in my hoodie, mostly a nod or even a cool convo during bike breaks. But the most troubling thing I always remember was last fall a woman maybe in her late 30s asking me what I was doing there with smile but accusatory tone.
I was flustered and just stated the obvious, "exercising" and pulled off confused.

I'm in a park.
Riding my bike.
Assumptions from a logical person maybe, um exercise or just trying to enjoy a frigging awesome day.
But no, her assumption was either ageist and/or racist.
I know this because what person causally ask someone they don't know whether or not they should be in an area? Like she would do that with some who maybe say her demographic; White upper middle class, and apparently really trifling. There is no other reason, she did not know me or even act like she did. This makes me sad and mostly fustrated because on most days I feel as though I must stay out of people's way to avoid conflict, that is just my nature. But then to go to place where i can be as free as I want, listen to music as loud as I want(sing too, hehe) I have some trick asking whether or not I;m taking up space in the right area? Bish plz.
But racial profiling on my level as a 5'1 pixie-ish black female may not compare to the actual government with all there powers assuming I did something wrong like a black male, but all this shit comes from the same ignorant place.

Quote of the Week

2010-03-19T01:51:00.002-05:00

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

Anais Nin

Song of the Week

2010-03-19T01:39:00.003-05:00

Kate Havnevik is an artist that I've heard of but never really listened too until I saw an episode of Grey's Anatomy, one that I've seen before, but as time passes tastes changes.
This is literally techno electronic music (former hater) and I can't friggin get enough....hope you feel the same but if not maybe in a New Day you will.

Word of the Week

2010-03-19T01:19:00.003-05:00

ruminate

Meaning: to go over in the mind repeatedly and often casually or slowly or to chew repeatedly for an extended period, according to Merriam-Webster.

The word it's self when I hear it is really warm and soft to me. I think of the hot chocolate stained book pages and ceiling walls. I hardly use it enough to get anymore feeling from it.

But the reason it's the word of the week is because I assumed the origins of the word was from the poet Rumi and I became really intrigued.

But instead googling the word I got nada except someone else trying to make this connection.

But it is fitting this week, I accomplished so much just by taking the time out to think stuff out.

Song of the Week

2010-03-11T22:25:00.005-06:00

Having troubles telling how I feel
But I can dance, dance and dance
Couldn't possibly tell you how I mean
But I can dance, dance, dance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=modXbqbsAvs&NR=1

Mission statement: How'd we get here?

2010-03-11T21:34:00.008-06:00

Hello Blogger sphere, I'm officially starting my blog right now, despite earlier post and you know it's the real deal because it says mission statement up above ….see…official... And I'm excited. I'm never one to ever really put my name on anything I do especially if it's emotionally connected to me. It's the same sad song when it comes social settings and at work. I'm a mute. Or rather was more or less. It's something that most people with any level of anxiety deal with. I would categorize mine as mild with a side of would-you-speak -up-please?
Progress has been made though, I remember after my first real panic attack, the counselor I began to see said I would grow out of it. And I believe her; it’s happened on many new and terrifying levels but looking back at the things I said I would never do or handled well… I’ve done them.
Like write for a newspaper I got my first column in high school and was freaking out that I would have to write something continual and put my ideas to paper that my peers would read. I was going to quit but I didn’t. It was therapeutic and the rewards I have gotten from writing on newspapers for the past 4 years have helped me put my name on print there for people to see (re: judge). But recently that avenue has gone dry for inspiration and I need to translate it into something a bit more real and true to myself because when I write, corny or not, I look for myself on page, how I word things, the conclusions I make, etc. That can be terrifying not being able to veil yourself, but I need to find the confidence in my writing but most importantly myself.
So here I am, whether I like me or not.

*warning there will be some bad grammer, I'm working on that too :)

3 hours till 20...

2010-03-11T21:01:00.004-06:00

and I have abandon all hope that I will study for my 2 test due tomorrow and Saturday. It's not just the restlessness of a bored chick wishing away her midterms but my frigging birthday.
My last hours as a teen and I have no doubt that I will probably still be spending it in Webster U. library. OR

Do something...........
Your teenage years is the one time in life you can truly do stupid shit ( at least in my book). I have no doubt mistakes will be made in my further years because from what I hear the 20s are essentially that for some. But gun-to-head.... I must do something!
What could I get out the way that I have not done, in my lean hours of teenagedom?
I'm ranting, procrastinating and contemplating in a unproductive way like some young people I know. Happy birthday Janelle, it maybe only your calculating and caution arms holding you tight tonight. sigh.

Person of the Week

2010-02-04T00:09:00.000-06:00

Well, if people were given awards for not giving a shit and to do what is expected out their profession I guess there are lot of people who qualify. But Patricia Arquette stands out to me because her acting is always great, even bordering on annoyingly spacey, I give her respect and the person of the week. She had the nerve to show up to the Award season show not like stick and maybe made some skinny bitches jealous. For other reasons "Medium" is a great show and I salivate at the family dynamics and acting on the show. She rocks and is my height. Go team.

Song of the Week

2010-02-03T23:36:00.002-06:00

Great song that makes you want to celebrate something , someone, a higher power I guess? Not lacking or wanting in my life right now but songs like these make me believe there is many paths to "God" or at least Midas. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nxO-yPQesA